Saturday, February 8, 2014

Confessions of a Messy Eater

This is a vegan blog, but over time that has also encompassed other topics - tolerance, cats, and now, my uncanny inability to eat anything without creating a huge mess.  The impetus for this post came as I sat eating my quiona salad in a pita pocket, and before I knew it, the floor and couch were covered in my lunch.  This issue of mine is common knowledge with friends, since it has made for many hilarious stories over the years.  I never wear white, order a sandwich, or eat pizza without a fork and knife.  Clothing and furniture have been ruined and meals disrupted.  Maybe you can relate.  Hopefully you can get a good laugh out of my misfortune.

1.  While at The Frigid, an ice cream parlor, with my family, I ordered a gigantic cone with soft serve vanilla and chocolate ice cream.  I took one lick and all of the ice cream was on the floor.  I never ordered a cone again.

2.  Two incidents stand out from high school.  There was the time I spilled a gigantic bag of M&M's all over the auditorium during a fundraising event.  Another time while at Friendly's (with friends), I spilled a gigantic glass of soda all over the table and myself.  I had to go to the movies soaking wet.

3.  While in the college dining hall, half of my food usually ended up on my roommate.  She should have worn a poncho. 

4.  In college I really liked those yogurts with M&M's separately packaged in the lid.  While opening such a yogurt, the candy flew into the air and landed in the sink.  I should have never eaten M&M's.  Going vegan solved that problem.

5.  I cannot eat sandwiches.  I take one bite and all of the insides come out the other end.  If I have to order a sandwich at a restaurant, I end up using about twenty napkins.

6.  I once dropped a piece of chocolate cake onto the couch and then sat in it.  It all happened in one fell swoop.  It wasn't even my couch.  My roommate was asleep and I cleaned it up the best I could and then flipped the couch cushion over.

7.  I frequently look in the mirror and notice that there is food in my hair.  Sometimes I'll be sitting on my desk and notice a chocolate chip on my shoulder.

8.  I have banned myself from eating in my car.  My previous car had food stains all over the place. 

9.  I can only buy salad dressing with a squeeze top.  Otherwise I dump all of the dressing on my salad.  Every time.

10.  I can't drink water without spilling it on myself.  I try to take a sip and literally pour it all over my face and shirt.  I require a straw.

I amaze myself.

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